Open mouth, Insert Foot

Not every deal goes smoothly

Open mouth, Insert Foot

Shortly after my steel framing company fiasco that cost me a working relationship with a few good hedge funds, I received a call from a friend. Arthur La Cacava was a dude who was trying to become a deal maker under Tom’s supervision. A character is his own right, my respect level for the man was not great.  Too often, his mind was set on what needed to be done, refusing to take any sage advice that went against his thoughts.  Not a very tactful way to illicit help from experienced deal makers.

Arthur explained to me over the phone that he was I need of some technical assistance on the structuring side with a company that he was working with. Artie asked me if I could sit in on a meeting with him that he was having with the management of the company. That way I could better understand what the deal was all about and good ask any questions that I may have. He had been having discussions with a group of individuals that wanted to take their new line of skin care product public.  

Apparently, the cometic company had several propriety technologies that dealt with the rapid absorption of their creams. Using this nutrient transport system to achieve ‘amazing results’, the technology was incorporated into all their skin care products. This company was not only wanting to go public but was looking to raise so money as well.  Arthur wanted me there for the sole purpose of making sure that the deal could be structured correctly. Having only been on the peripheral of the investment banking industry, he was unsure of the complications of taking on such a project.  He also told me that he was receiving some shares to assist in the promotion of the stock after they reversed the company into a publicly traded shell.  

Arthur believed that he could price the company at a dollar a share based on the forty million shares that would ultimately be issued and outstanding. Ten million of those shares were to get listed on the Bulletin Board as free trading, made available in the float for public consumption. As part of my agreement with him, Artie was willing to give me one million free trading shares to assist him with the structuring along with for the promotional work that was needed.  As a favor to Tom, I told him that I would be more than happy to help him out. 

Semi-jokingly, I told him that he had better be the one picking up the check for lunch. Arthur was a notoriously cheap individual that had left early from several lunch meetings that I had previously attended to avoid paying for his meal. Worrying more about his pocketbook that the deal, he was notorious for taking off on a fake emergency without so much as leaving a tip.  Cheap people always rubbed me the wrong way, but my job wasn’t to judge them on their social habits.  That didn’t stop me from bitching about them either. He was a friend of Tom’s therefore I would bite my tongue to get through the meeting.

As was my way, I arrived a little earlier than planned to collect my thoughts.  Artie made the arrangements to meet at the Italian restaurant on 44th street where we commonly had our lunch meetings. Getting there early also allowed the two of us to discuss what the strategy would be that we would follow. Everyone needed to get on the same page in reference to what he needed me to do.  At my request, I had also invited Tom to come along, a man I loved to get together with as often as I could. Tom was someone whose insight was particularly spot on in cases like this while his presence would be a calming influence on me if Artie started down the wrong path.

As a former director of sales at several Fortune 50 companies, Tom’s insights were invaluable. Tom was also an individual that Arthur was extremely familiar with when it came to doing business.  Unfortunately for me, I was suffering a lot of pain in my left knee. I was noticeably limping because I had hurt the knee by fooling around with my young son a few days earlier in the yard. Jumping over a log, my leg landed funny which caused the twisting of the knee awkwardly.

The next day, the injured knee swelled up to the size of volleyball. This was causing me a tremendous amount of discomfort whenever I stood or attempted to walk.   Although walking was painful, I was relieved that the meeting was arranged close to Grand Central Station so that I didn’t have to walk a long distance when I disembarked from the train. 

Once we had arrived at the address, the three of us took a table inside the restaurant to go over what Arthur wanted to take place.  Tom and I gave our opinions on what to expect, adding our insights on how we thought the interaction should be handled.  When the other party finally arrived, about forty-five minutes later than scheduled, we were ready to go to work on attacking the plan.  Anticipating that three individuals from the company would be joining us, four people showed up instead. Under normal circumstances that would not have posed a problem. There were three men that were dressed in impeccably manicured suits, coincidentally in dark gray pinstripes. 

Accompanying them was a rather hefty, bleach blonde woman dressed in a large, yellow and orange summer dress. Wearing five inch spiked red shoes on her feet, her look made for a scary Halloween pumpkin.  When the woman opened her mouth, an unnecessary spice was thrown into the combustible mix. The woman sounded somewhat like an uncouth truck driver that was looking for the bathroom to take a dump in to relieve her indigestion. What got me nervous was the way she was staring at me like I was some sort of chocolate soufflé that she was going to devour for dessert. 

After exchanging our cordial greetings, being formally introduced to each other by Artie, the news comes out that the woman was the main decision maker.  Miss Anna was the founder, the chief scientist and the Chief Executive Officer of the company that we were there to discuss.  It also turned out that she was the majority shareholder, owning seventy five percent of the pre-public shares of the company. That meant she had the final say on any and all decisions concerning the future path of the company. When the small talk was over, everyone went to sit down.  The problem was there were only six chairs around the table we had selected. That was not enough to accommodate the seven of us that were looking to sit down to lunch. 

“Let me get another chair from one of the other tables,” the quick acting Arthur stated while motioning with his hand for the waiter to come over. 

“No, that’s ok,” said a smiling Miss Anna, the person that I was there to help convince that the share structure that we had come up with was beneficial to her company. 

Unsure of why she would say something like that, I sat down.  My knee was aching to the point that standing created a throbbing that was unbearable.  Wishing that I had taken four Advil instead of two, my thoughts were more on the damage done to my knee than on this meeting.  This meeting had better be a short one or I may have to excuse myself to head home. While lost in my misery, Miss Anna, the CEO of this company, then walks over to my side of the table.

Grabbing my arm with her hand, in voice that carried throughout the restaurant, the woman says, “That is ok. I will just sit on Michael‘s lap.” 

“No, no, no. You can’t do that,” was my knee-jerk response as I put my hands up as though I was trying to ward her away. “I don’t want you to break my leg.” 

Those words came carelessly blurting out of my mouth without any thought on my part for all to hear. By the horrified looks on everyone’s faces, it was evident that I must have made a tremendously awkward faux paux attempting to protect my leg.  For that split second, my brain had forgotten the reason that I was there. More concerned about the pain that was railing up my leg due to my injured knee, my social situation played no part in my senseless statement.  

After realizing what I had just said to this woman out of the agony in my knee, remedying the possible insult was paramount. My immediate thought was that I had better say something very quickly to make light of what had just inexplicably been expressed out of my mouth. Trying to explain my rather crude, unintended statement was the only thing that I could do. I tried to come back with an apology that would sooth over that awkward moment in a humorous way, but the right words were not coming into my head. 

“I am so sorry Miss Anna,” was how I began to explain, arduously searching for the proper words that would express my sincerest remorse in an apologetic tone. “That came out totally wrong.  That’s not what I was looking to say at all. Please accept my apology.” 

Her glowing red face said more to me than any statement that she could have spoken to me at the time. I attempted to force a smile, but that became a hard task considering having to stand in front of a troupe of very angry souls. Understanding that the CEO was naturally hurt by the crass remark, more words needed to be found quickly to keep the dialogue from ending in a complete failure.  Whatever I came up with had to be delivered in as sincere a voice as I could muster. 

Believing that I had come up with the correct rebuttal for the situation which was careening out of control, I calmly stated, “Let me explain. Yesterday, while playing in the yard with my son, I twisted my knee. My knee is killing me right now, almost to the point where I was contemplating postponing this meeting.”

Then for a dramatic touch, I reached out to take hold of the woman’s hand before proceeding to say to her, “Believe me, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, that my comment had nothing whatsoever to do with your weight.” 

Oops. Somehow, that sounded much better when it first popped into my head. Compounding a mistake with another mistake was so unlike me.  My knee must have been in worse shape than I thought.  Never was it my fault that a meeting with a potential deal on the line had gone south because of something that came out of my mouth.  The whole reason that I was invited was due to my reconciliatory nature in keeping the peace as we move towards closing.

Needless to say, after the frontal assault I took from both sides about my rudeness and insensitivity, things fell apart. The folks that we were to meet decided that they were no longer interested in working with ‘Arthur and his band of incompetent fools’. Once her team was finished assailing the three of us in front of the rest of the patrons having their lunch, the four of them stormed out of the restaurant. Still in pain, my next move was to take a seat at the table.

Again, to make light of the disastrous situation that I had just created by my poor judgement, a joke was required to break the tension.  Since that was something that I never prepared for, the neurons inside my head were exhausting the options.  With time seemingly standing still from my little outburst of stupidity, a funny line came to me. Without hesitating any longer, I spoke up

“Well at least we don’t need that extra chair anymore,” a statement that was far from being humorous

With a few choice words being said, Arthur soon followed our guests out the door. Those words that my pal screamed to me were extremely uncomplimentary. My vivid recollection was that he insulted my family genealogy in the process of expressing his unhappiness with my behavior. Tom and I would wind up having a very enjoyable lunch, albeit a quiet one. As I began my attempt to apologize to Tom, he magnanimously told me not to worry about anything. True to form, he assured me that the same thing has happened to him along with many others in the past so that I should just forget about the whole thing. 

“Don’t worry about a thing.  Just make sure that the next deal coming down the pike doesn’t end up like this one,” were the exact words he said to me, understanding that this was just a one off circumstance that gets blown out of proportion every now and then. 

I was very appreciative of Tom for saying what he did to me. It was just a statement on the true makeup of the kind of man he was. Practical to a flaw, levelheaded always and not afraid to tell you the truth no matter the circumstances. Tom understood that there were many more chances at making money so losing one or two along the way was not a disaster.  And, yes, I happily picked up the check for lunch.